Quick Reflections on 26 Years of Marriage

Let me start by saying I am not a relationship expert. At all. Eric and I just celebrated (and by celebrated, I mean exchanged sweet cards and otherwise ignored it, ‘cause we aren’t great at celebrating things), our 26th anniversary. It’s got me reflecting on what it takes to maintain a good relationship over the course of more than two decades. Here are four thoughts.

First, I think there is a huge element of choice in maintaining a relationship. Eric and I choose each other. We choose to prioritize each other. We choose to love each other. We choose to continue talking through hard things until we reach the other side. We choose each other.

Second, you have to be willing to embrace the Stoic philosophy "change what you can change and embrace what you can’t." Eric will never be as tidy as I am, so we maintain entirely separate work spaces. I keep mine how I like it and so does he. And I rarely (I wish I could say never, but I’m trying to be honest here) offer a critical word about his office, his car or his nightstand. For his part, he works to keep our shared spaces neat. Your partner will have many, many traits, habits and tendencies that you might wish were a little bit different, but you can’t change them, so choose to embrace them. (There’s that choice thing again.)

Third, do stuff together. Go for long walks. Learn to play pickleball. Build a business (or four). Cook. Host dinner parties.

Fourth, do stuff alone. Cultivate friendships, learn to knit. Become a competitive CrossFitter. Yup, you need time, projects, friendships, and hobbies together, but you also need time, projects, friendships and hobbies of your very own.

Finally, there is an element of luck. We just got lucky when we found each other. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was pretty close. We moved fast—just five months from first date to engagement and married six months later. While relationships take work and maturity and choice, I think there is an element of just plain luck. And we got lucky.