Walk # 59: You Do You
When I was 23, I went sailing in the British Virgin Islands for three weeks with my then-husband. One afternoon, we dropped anchor at a small island that housed little more than a beach bar tended by a guy with bare feet and long dreadlocks. We ordered their special cocktail -- I recall something with nutmeg -- and sat to watch the sunset. Moments later, a young boy scampered past, followed closely by a blond woman. The lore of this family, I came to learn, is that the woman had visited this tiny island on holiday, met the owner of this little beach bar, fell in love and never returned to her home in Canada. Instead, they married and were raising their family on that tiny island.
It was the first time I saw someone who had simply said no to the traditional path that life had laid out for her.
At this very second, there are families living on boats sailing across the Caribbean and in RVs exploring the midwest. There are women happily raising one kid, eight kids and no kids. There are moms who are breastfeeding and moms who are bottle feeding. Women writing books and writing grant proposals to raise money for the not-for-profit they dreamed of. Right this very second, there are women hiking in the mountains of Tibet and camping in the mountains of Colorado.
Making the commitment to being the truest expression of yourself is hard. It requires you to look as honestly and objectively as possible at who you are, who you want to be and what you want -- really, truly want -- out of your life. It requires you to face your shortcomings and acknowledge your biggest dreams. There is a very good chance that it will require you to walk down a path that someone in your life doesn’t agree with or approve of.
None of that is easy. First of all, we are all really, really busy. We run around getting things done, rarely stopping to consider whether all of those things we are doing are, in fact, the things we should be doing to create the life we want. Seriously, who has time to think about those things, much less take steps to put them into action?
Moreover, if you really stop to look at the life you want, you will be forced to confront things in your life that are not in alignment with that vision. The relationships that aren’t working, the work that isn’t satisfying, the unwanted weight you are carrying, the dreams you cast aside.
It is so, so easy to go through the motions. And it is so, so easy to conform to what society tells us we should be doing and how we should be living. As women, here are just a few of the things that society tells us:
Study hard and get good grades
Be polite
Keep your home tidy
Watch your weight
Mascara and lipstick are essential
Get an education, have a career
Find your soulmate, get married, have a baby
Keep working, because you can have it all
Stop working because your family needs you
Plastic is bad. And so are non-organic strawberries
Have another baby
Society is tough. Society has a strong interest in maintaining the status quo, keeping things as they are because those who are in charge like it that way.
Now for many, many of us -- myself included -- there are elements of what society has told us that really work for us. I did, in fact, go to school, get good grades, marry a great guy and have two children. I started businesses that failed and a couple that succeeded. I live in a home I love which I generally keep pretty tidy. Occasionally, I even wear mascara and lipstick.
But along the way, there were countless times when I was forced to look at what society was telling me to do and say no. I said no to a marriage that wasn’t working (divorced at 26!), a career that wasn’t fulfilling (you can’t walk away from a potential law firm partnership!), and adopted my second child (why would you want to adopt a child when you could “have one of your own!”). The list goes on. At the time, each of those choices was challenging. Each of those choices required that I look at the messages that I had been sent and say “that is not my path.” That is not easy. But it is the only way for you to do you.
*reprinted from Walk Your Way to Better, available on Amazon