On Vampires & Demons
Years ago, I read a novel about vampires and demons. Demons, as portrayed in this novel, are beings who feed on drama and intrigue. They thrive on the suffering of others. The smart demons chose professions that gave them a steady diet of the worst of humankind and delivered a constant stream of drama and upset. They were homicide detectives, emergency room doctors, and crime reporters. They did pretty well adapting to and moving through life because their need for drama was regularly satiated. But the other demons felt compelled to create unrest and upheaval. They were constantly stirring up trouble because they needed it to feel good. In short, they were addicted to drama.
The vampires required the lifeblood of others in order to survive. While some controlled their appetite sufficiently by taking just a sip here and a sip there, others, well, once they got started, they sucked their victims dry.
Though I don’t recall much else about the book, these two character types stayed with me because I realized that, although they might not be supernatural creatures like those portrayed in the novel, demons and vampires live amongst us.
For a long time, I believed that drama just followed some people. We all know people who always seem to be embroiled in one drama or another. For sure, some of that is bad luck or unfortunate events. But I’ve come to realize that some people crave drama and, much like the demons in the book, will create it if necessary. Often unconsciously, but nevertheless, they make choices in their lives that foster drama. They move from one crisis to another. You can recognize these people by the litany of dramatic events in their lives, the way their eyes light up at the telling of those tales, or the way that they seem to get antsy when things are just a bit too calm. The way they self-sabotage their success is astonishing.
Now, at the same time, demons can be lots of fun. They are constantly in motion. Oftentimes they are smart and funny and have really good stories to tell. But be careful, because these are the people who feed on drama—anyone’s drama. If you are going to be in their whirlwind, then you run the risk of getting caught up in their drama.
Then there are the bloodsuckers—the vampires. Those are the people who manage to suck the joy and energy from you. They do this in a variety of ways, and that sometimes makes them more difficult to identify. The partner or parent or sibling who belittles you in small and subtle ways. The friend who talks entirely about themselves, leaving no room for you. Basically, anyone who leaves you feeling depleted—mentally or physically—after you’ve spent time together.
Chances are that demons and vampires will move in and out of your life. They could be a neighbor. A sister. Maybe your mother or your mother-in-law. Friends who complain nonstop about their husbands, jobs, or children, or others who are constantly gossiping about others. Recognizing vampires is tricky because you have to tune in to how you feel after spending time with them. We all have people in our lives who, after we spend time with them, leave us feeling energized, lighter, or happier. Conversely, after spending time with a vampire, you’re left feeling tired, sapped, or saddened.
How you manage demons and vampires depends on where they fit into your life. It would be easy to say “just don’t let these people in,” but the truth is, there are people who are going to be in your life no matter what. It comes down to relationship management, and managing your relationships with demons and vampires requires three things.
First, you must recognize them for who they are and remember that they will not change. Your mother will not stop criticizing you, your sister-in-law will never step out of the whirlwind of drama she has created, and the mother of your daughter’s best friend will never stop gossiping about the rest of the third-grade parents. This is who they are. They will not change. See them with clarity and realize that their need to create drama or desire to feed on your energy is not about you, it is about them. Whatever you do, don’t bother trying to change them because that will do nothing but exhaust you.
Second, decide if you can continue to invite these people into your world, or if you can limit your exposure to them. Remember, a vampire can only enter your house if invited. You decide where these creatures fit, and you control how much time you spend with them or how much power and influence they have.
Finally, remember that this is about them and not you. Your mother is not criticizing you because of you, she is criticizing you because of how it makes her feel. That other mom is not gossiping because of you, she is gossiping because of how it makes her feel. The friend who constantly needs to be bailed out of the drama she creates? Yup, that’s about her, not you.
Sometimes, we can simply choose not to let demons and vampires into our lives. But sometimes we either can’t limit our exposure to them, or we choose not to. In those instances, recognize them for who and what they are and erect walls to keep them from exerting their negative influence. Remembering that their issues are about them—and not us—can help us navigate these relationships without being sucked into the vortex of the demons’ drama or sacrificing our lifeblood to the vampires.