Key to Happiness #1: Knowing What Makes You Happy

I apologize in advance for asking you such a difficult question, but the first Key to Happiness is knowing what makes you happy. Now, before you throw up your hands in frustration and cry, “but I don’t know, that’s the problem,” I hear you. I know. Many of us have been so busy living, surviving, striving and driving that we’ve lost sight of the things that make us happy. Discovering -- and rediscovering -- those things will be a journey.

But let’s begin with what you know already.

While there is a lot of recent science and anecdotal evidence aimed at telling us what makes people happy, the truth is, everyone is unique. Introverts and extroverts. Readers and writers. Hikers and bikers. Singers and dancers. Just like some people like vanilla, some people like chocolate and some prefer carrot cake, what makes me happy might not make you happy. And that is okay. Better than okay, actually. If we all liked the same things, if we all did the same things, the ski areas would be packed and the museums would be empty.

The differences in what bring people joy are what allow art to be created, mountains to be scaled, children to be educated, mysteries to be solved and the world to go round and round. So, while there is beauty in discovery of new things that might make you happy, it is imperative that you accept that what makes you happy is likely going to be very different than what makes her happy. Embrace the trial and error. Understand that you may discover things that surprise or scare you.

But let’s start with what you know. Let’s begin at the beginning.

Chances are that there are secrets to be unlocked from the things you loved as a child, the things you loved when you were younger, before the responsibilities and obligations of adulting took over. When I take myself back to my childhood, here are three memories that I can pull up when I try to recall moments when I was happy.

I remember swimming in the lake at Camp Beaumont, the boys’ sports camp that my family owned. I couldn’t have been more than six or seven. I was wearing a mask and a snorkel and I was playing in the shallowest water, using my hand to make the sand blow around like an underwater sandstorm. When the mini sandstorm cleared, sometimes I discovered a tiny snail, like a little buried treasure. I would pick him up, and examine him, add him to a little pile and then continue my search.

Still at camp … there were blueberries that grew between bunks one and two and I recall picking them early one morning. The were plump and blue and I just popped them in my mouth, dew-covered and sweet.

I remember Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt Marge’s house. So many people, that we couldn’t have a sit down dinner, but rather we made our plates and sat in little groups. The kids were in the den, our plates in our laps. My parents, friends and strangers spread out around the house. There was laughter and mashed sweet potato topped with melted marshmallows.

Keep going. Can you identify two or three specific moments during high school when you felt happy? Here are three for me:

I was walking down the street one night with my best friend. I can’t recall where we were going or why we were there, though I can recall exactly precisely where we were. We were doubled over with laughter. Something about a movie, something about a door. The heel of her boot broke. Now, I know, nothing about this sounds funny, but you just have to take my word for it.

I remember holding the hand of a boy I liked. His name was David and he turned out to be a jerk, but I didn’t know that at the time.

I remember ice skating, which is how I spent countless teenage hours. The ice had been freshly Zambonied, More Than a Feeling by the Eagles was playing loud and I was whipping around the rink feeling free and strong.

Your turn. Go ahead. Grab a piece of paper or a fresh notebook and capture a few notes about times in your life when you felt happy. And listen, if you can’t pull them out of your memory, if your childhood was punctuated by pain or trauma, if this makes you think -- wait, I’ve never been happy -- that’s okay. Remember, we are simply looking for clues. We are simply starting.